things I think about when I have time to think

Recently, a very precious relationship of mine fractured . Totally out-of-the-blue, and yet not. It is only in retrospect, that we can see the dark clouds that were gathering all along. I am a person who uses words for everything ... For lifting someone's soul, for 'thinking' a problem through, for expressing myself, for soothing and for explaining.  And now, I use my words to try to fix the bond that has been broken. But my words return to me unanswered . There is no reply, only the vacuum of silence . And so my mind continues its relentless ruminating, returning to the security of more words, more explanations, ... always more efforts to fix with words. But again, my words return to me empty . They are worthless, they have no power to restore . And the silence hurts, it aches. Everything in me wants to seal it off, to numb the pain. Yet I know that, in feeling this pain, I am acknowledging the loss . And I need to grieve, I need to walk this pat

All of my 5 kiddies have been the clingy types ...  Cherubic, smiley babies and toddlers, who would publicly 'flirt' and play peekaboo from a distance, safe in mum's arms , ...yet ferociously spurn the welcoming hands proffered for a cuddle. They would string themselves around my neck in desperation, looping tiny bodies around my trying-not-to-topple-over legs, ...and I would regurgitate the well-rehearsed words of "I'm sorry, they're just shy, they take a while to warm up to new people..."  That was babyhood, toddlerhood and part of preschool days.  But by the time the first day of school rolled around, my clingy kids had all transformed into those run-off-without-a-backward-glance 'preppies' , the type who could barely be persuaded to pause for the obligatory pose-for-a-photo-with-a-teary-mum , and had to be reminded to say a quick goodbye.  They've all followed this pattern, and I've decided it must be a Karis